Che Gorilla (axmxz) wrote,
Che Gorilla

A blast from the past.

This spork is brought to you by your old friends axmxz and professor hortensio

axmxz: We can has reunion nao?

hortensio: We can has, indeed. Hint-hint to Messrs. Fry and Laurie.

Story Or Series Title: Dark Lady
Fandom: Harry Potter
Culprit Author's Name: Rommie03

Full Name (plus titles if any): Hailey Lynn Dumbledore
Full Species(es): Sueora dumbledorensis
Hair Color (include adjectives):
Eye Color (include adjectives):
Unusual Markings/Colorations:
Special Possessions (if any): "a beautiful v- neck, spaghetti strap, pink and maroon gown covered with sparkling stitched flowers on the bodice"; separate apartment within Hogwarts; many electrical appliances, Harry's innocence?

Annoying Origin: Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Great-granddaughter (and so much more) of Dumbledore; daughter of Lord Voldemort.
Annoying Special Abilities: Attends Hogwarts in secret
Other Annoying Traits:

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Summary: Hailey Lynn is the 14 year old great-granddaughter of Dumbledore; unfortunately her father is Lord Voldemort.

axmxz: launches into "You've got to accentuate the positive"

She attends Hogwarts, but only in secret, to keep her out of the hands of Voldemort and away from the students who would harass her. However, she’s tired of hiding and decides to attend the Yule Ball and never mind all the other students. Unfortunately things do not go as planned for her evening. There, she meets Harry Potter, the son of the family her father destroyed and things begin to get interesting.

Disclaimer: Nothing in regards to HP is mine; it’s all J.K. Rowling’s. But my fictional characters, those are mine.

hortensio: The author, she is "currently enrolled in College and seeking [her] B.A. in Anthropology."

axmxz: My B.A. in anthropology. Let me show you it.

Chapter 1: Ballroom Meeting

Yule Ball, Hogwarts

She was late. It wasn’t polite to be late to a Ball, especially one that your own grandfather was hosting.

hortensio: If two wrongs make a right, is it polite to be late to a Ball to which you've not been invited?

axmxz: Wait, I thought he was her great-grandfather. Oversight or foreshadowing of incest?..

Hailey ran down the hall in her heels and as she got to the door she ran right past Hagrid who was also entering. “Hi!” she quickly said and then she added “Bye!” in the same breath. She was wearing a beautiful v- neck, spaghetti strap, pink and maroon gown covered with sparkling stitched flowers on the bodice.

hortensio: I hope you're getting this down, Donatella Versace.

The skirt part was flowing

hortensio: The skirt part was flowing, but what about the bodice part?

axmxz: It was rippling.

hortensio: Not ripping?

axmxz: Maybe once her great-grandfather/grandfather gets there.

and with how it was cut waved about as she ran into the Great Hall.

hortensio: I'm picturing two liveried flunkies following her and brandishing stacks of her gown's patterns for distribution.

Inside, sitting on the sidelines, were sitting two boys, with their dates looking extremely bored and quite annoyed. Harry and Ron were sitting there talking about Hermione and Viktor when Hailey swooshed past.

axmxz: Ron:Hermione :: Harry:Viktor?

Harry immediately looked up and saw this beautiful girl run right to Dumbledore. He had never seen her before, but felt instantly drawn to her, he had this feeling that he had known her all his life even though he never seen her before.

Also having noticed her entrance was Draco Malfoy.

hortensio: Please to be having given me a break.

axmxz: It's turning into a badly dubbed Bollywood film, except, ironically, without the dancing.

Just by looking at her he immediately knew who she was. She was the daughter of Lord Voldemort.

axmxz: Blood-red eyes... no nose... no hair... unwholesome pallor... yep, it's her all right.

His father had told him that she was believed to be hidden within the Hogwarts castle

Standing with her great- grandfather, “I’m sorry I’m late. I had no clue what to wear and then all of a sudden I see this beautiful dress in my closet. Thank you, Granddad.” she said as she kissed his cheek.

hortensio: You know, I always thought Ms. Versace looked like Dumbledore in drag.

“I hoped you would like it and I knew you would come. Now go on, have fun.” Dumbledore said to her.

Hailey smiled and went onto the dance floor.

axmxz:... and here's the dancing!

hortensio: Apropos Bollywood: a little-known corollary to Chekhov's Gun Law: if a rifle is shown hanging on the wall in the opening scenes of a Bollywood film, then by the end of the film it absolutely must sing a song.


axmxz: Nothing much happens in the next several pages besides the Sue leading all of Hogwarts in a menuet.

hortensio: We will spare you the details of the choreography. It goes on for a while, in true Bollywood fashion.

axmxz: Minor points of interest: Malfoy tries to steal the Sue from Ron, rocket science is mentioned, and Harry does a spit-take with punch.

hortensio: And then Sue, Ron and Harry start a pas-de-trois.


The three of them began dancing together, which was surprisingly easy. Unfortunately the Patil’s, who were on the dance floor got a little upset that she got the boys to dance but they couldn’t.

hortensio: This is why grammar is important, kids: thanks to a single errant apostrophe, there is now only one Patil, albeit in posession of some unspecified objects currently on the dance floor.

axmxz: Which are getting upset, because they can't bring all the boys to the yard.

Ron grabbed Hailey’s hand and spun her around, he himself was surprised to see that he did it with out hurting anyone. Hailey then turned to Harry and that was when he took her hand and began spinning the both of them around.

Malfoy rolled his eyes. He was pissed now and he knew exactly how to get back at her for humiliating him. He didn’t think that anyone in the room really knew who she was. After the latest song stopped, Malfoy jumped up onto the stage. “I have something to say to everybody. Did all of you know that Hailey Lynn Dumbledore is actually the daughter of Lord Voldemort?”

axmxz: Also, to the owner of the 1993 Firebolt - it's being irrigated by a large black dog. Siriusly.

Dumbledore’s eyes widened as he heard what Malfoy said over the speakers. Harry’s face went emotionless and he looked at her. Everyone standing around Hailey, even Harry and Ron, immediately stepped away. Hailey looked around in disbelief. Not knowing what else to do, Hailey started walking towards the stage and as she stepped up the stairs to the platform she decided to deck Draco in the nose and then as he fell to the ground knee him in the groin.

Draco hit the floor with a bloody, broken nose. “Let me tell you something Draco. That monster may biologically be my father, but it takes more than DNA to be a father. It takes a man, and that Voldemort is not. He killed my mother and left me, and her body, at the entrance of this school to taunt the man I know as my father. My grandfather raised me. He’s my father, not Voldemort.”

axmxz: Did I hear her right? She is Dumbledore's daughter as well?

Dumbledore stepped onto the stage and signaled for everyone’s attention. “She may share DNA with the Dark Lord, but she shares mine as well. Hailey is my great-daughter, and that is final.

axmxz: Wait, she shares Dumbledore's and Lord Voldemort's DNA... and Dumbledore is her father..?

hortensio: I thought the previous affirmation of paternity was a metaphor for nurture, but it's looking like she meant it literally.

axmxz Setting aside for a moment the horrifying implications of Dumbledore being simultaneously her great-grandfather, her grandfather and her father, apparently the Sue is the love-sprog of Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort.

hortensio: I must protest. I fully support gay marriage and procreation, whatever form it might take for Wizards. It's much more disturbing to me that the Sue is genetically seven-eighths Dumbledore.

All of you are to treat her with respect and if I hear about anyone harassing her about her paternity you will be expelled quicker than you can say ‘pumpkin patsies’. Do I make myself clear? My granddaughter will not be defined by his actions. She is not Voldemort.”

axmxz: Interesting how the same logic does not apply to Draco, whose father is no Dark Lord at all but only a lowly Death Eater, and not even a convicted one at that.

hortensio: Apropos of Death Eaters: it is a little known fact that a report of their activity appears in a thirteenth-century Muggle manuscript. Unfortunately for contemporary researchers, its only surving copy contains a clerical error - possibly because the scribe, Baruch the Unruly, was recovering from a heavy Purim throwdown. The debate is still raging among Muggle scholars as to what Baruch might have meant with his mysterious lament, 'Death Easter yswept the royalme'.

axmxz: *takes away professor Hortensio's pipe and knocks a clump of suspicious grass out of it*

The room was quiet and Hailey felt everyone’s eyes looking at her. She then looked at Draco for a second before stepping off the stage and walking out of the Dinning Hall. Once she was sure that she was out of the sights of everyone in the room she began running. She ran right outside and headed for the deep, dark part of the forest.

axmxz: It was just outside the shallow, bright part.

hortensio: And she was followed by the still-flowing skirt part of her dress.

Eventually her shoes fell off, but she continued moving. She kept running until she tripped over a fallen branch and when she tried to get back up she realized that she had sprained her ankle. She sprained it bad enough that she was unable to walk, and therefore, stuck somewhere in the middle of the forbidden Dark Forest.

axmxz: *consults a fold-out Rand McNally map of Hogwarts grounds and environs*

hortensio: The forbidden Dark Forest, which is adjacent to the dark Forbidden Forest, can be found on square D-3.

The dance was now starting to wind down, as most of the students had returned to their rooms. Dumbledore had already come to the realization that his granddaughter was missing and went back into the dining hall to ask for some assistance in the search. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Viktor, and Cedric heard Dumbledore ask the teachers for help and they decided to offer their assistance, being the helpful students that they were. Dumbledore gratefully accepted their assistance but asked that they search in groups.

hortensio: Translated out of bureaucratese, this passage reads: "Dumbledore began playing yentl in yet another fic."

Everyone was given different sections to search. Hermione and Viktor were to search around the Black Lake along with quite a few teachers. Cedric and Ron, along with many teachers, were searching the grounds surrounding the school. Dumbledore and Harry took to the Forbidden Forest. A few other teachers also searched the forest, but Harry and the Professor were already on the right path to the young girl.

hortensio: Then again, maybe not - Hermione and Viktor compute, but Cedric and Ron? Dumbledore and Harry??

axmxz: With this Dumbledore, I wouldn't be suprised.

“Harry, I saw you dancing with my granddaughter and then I saw you step away when Mr. Malfoy made that announcement. I want to make it clear to you Harry, she is not Voldemort. I would also prefer you get to know her before you pass judgment on her. I think you’ll find her to be a very interesting young woman.” Dumbledore said as he walked along and found one of her shoes.

axmxz: Suitor beware: at midnight, the Sue will turn into a pumpkin.

“I believe we’re on the right track.”

“Professor, I know she’s not Voldemort, it’s just hard to ignore DNA.” Harry replied.

hortensio: These repeated mentions of DNA are disconcerting from people who have not been taught the basics of organic or even general chemistry.

axmxz: Although I can imagine poor deprived Snape sleeping with a tattered Linus Pauling textbook, its margins decorated with hearts, secreted away under his pillow...

Dumbledore knew exactly how to respond to what had just been said.

hortensio: By fax? By voicemail? By interoffice memo?

“Harry, the night your parents were murdered, Hailey was restless. I could not get her to sleep for the life of me. She cried for hours, kept everyone at Hogwarts up all night. I have a feeling that she knew what was going on, and in her own way was protesting against it.” Finding another one of Hailey’s shoes he continued, “When Hagrid brought you to me later that night on Privet Drive, I had her with me. It was only when she saw you in Hagrid’s arms that she calmed down and fell asleep in Professor McGonagall’s. I believe you two share a cosmic connection of some sort, after all you were born on the same day and at the same exact time.”

axmxz: Cosmic connection. Oy vey.

hortensio: Skype?

Harry didn’t quite know what to say. He was still trying to get over the fact that Hailey was restless that night, but the connection thing would have explained a lot of things.

hortensio: My BA thing, let me thing you it.

It was then that Dumbledore saw the shape of his granddaughter lying against a giant tree. “Hailey!”

axmxz: The shape? Not his granddaughter, just the shape?

hortensio: Like the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich.

“Granddad, I sprained my ankle. I don’t think I can walk back.” Hailey said, obviously not registering that Harry was there just yet.

axmxz: The Sue apparently has the vision of a velociraptor, only seeing things when they move.


They make the trip back to Hogwarts. Harry carries the Sue all the way there. Because why not.

Harry quickly took her up to see Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing. Up there Harry was asked to set her down on one of the beds. As Madam Pomfrey began looking at Hailey’s ankle as Harry sat down in a chair next to her bed. Hailey was beginning to look a little pissed off at Madam Pomfrey. “Woman, would you please decide what you are going to do and stop touching it before I knock you up alongside the head.” Hailey said to her.

axmxz: And then Pomfrey hexed her into a tadpole for being a spoiled rude bitch. The end.

hortensio: Unfortunately, it's not the end just yet.

Madam Pomfrey just looked at Hailey and then quickly hurried off to get the required potion.

“Sometimes I swear this isn’t a hospital but rather a torture house. All she does is sit and prod at you for minutes on end, and then she sees fit to heal you.” Hailey was maneuvering around on the hospital bed to try and get comfortable when she lost her balance and fell backwards towards Harry who luckily caught her before she hit anything.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

“To be quite honest with you; I don’t know. I was having a good day and then I stupidly decided to come down to a ball where it currently appears that a stupid boy named Draco ruined my life. Now I can never show my face in these halls again, I’m forced to hide once more. So why don’t you tell me how I’m doing Harry?” she said in a sad and depressed tone. As she pulled herself back to the surface of the bed Harry saw a tear escape out of the corner of her eye. It was then that he realized he could not sit in judgment of her and that she was also haunted by what Voldemort had done.

“You’re really not like him are you?” Harry said as he looked at her.

Looking at Harry she replied, “Of course not. He’s a killer, and a horrible man. No one in their right mind would do those sorts of things to people or order someone else too.” She took a pause and looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry about your parents Harry. I kind of know how you feel; he killed my mother too. I’m frankly surprised he didn’t kill me. After all it wasn’t a girl he wanted. He wanted a son, an heir to his stupid throne I suppose.”

“I’m sorry about your mother too.” Harry said as he picked up her hand. Hailey looked back over to Harry. “You don’t have to stay here with me Harry. You’re more than welcome to headed up to bed.”

“No, I’m fine. Besides Dumbledore asked me to stay with you until he returned.” Harry stated.

“Do you always do as my granddad says?” Hailey responded.

Harry chuckled, “No not all of the time. If you haven’t heard, I have a knack for rule breaking.”

Hailey smiled, “Well, it looks like we have more in common than we realized.”

“Can you talk to snakes too?” Harry blurted out, he was curious to find out.

“Yes I can. *headdesk* Were you able to hear that Basilisk in the pipes a few years ago too? Man that thing scared the hell out of me.” Hailey had never met anyone else who could speak parseltounge.

“Yes, I killed it, down in the Chamber of Secrets.”

“I heard you did. I’ve heard about a lot of the things you’ve been doing since you’ve been at Hogwarts. To be honest, I’m a bit jealous of you.” Hailey said to Harry.

Harry was shocked, “You’re jealous of me, but why?”

“Because you get to run around and destroy evil and I’m stuck inside most of the time reading and practicing my magic. I’m already on a fifth year level. I don’t really have much else to do, so I study a lot. Now during the summer, when there are no other students here I spend every waking moment outside. Most usually I’m with Hagrid on some wild adventure in the forest. But during the school year, I spend most of my time alone. I haven’t been out of my apartment in weeks.”

“You have your own apartment?” Harry asked.

“Yeah, I have my bedroom, a second bedroom, a guest room, a study/library, a living room, a kitchen, and four bathrooms.

axmxz: What a poopy Sue.

hortensio: Our first potty joke of the evening, ladies and gentlemen. Our restraint, let us show you it.

axmxz: Why hold it in when we have four bathrooms?

You’ll be glad to know that Dobby is actually my companion now, he stays in the guestroom. He does all the cooking and cleaning for me. He get’s paid and best of all, he loves it. He has freedom.” Hailey finished just as Madam Pomfrey returned with the required potion juice.

“Here you go my dear, you’ll be better in no time.” Madam Pomfrey quickly gave Hailey the cup containing the juice and hurried off. Hailey grimaced at the cup before drinking it as if it were a shot of whisky or something. Hailey managed not to let too much of the taste linger on her tongue, but still what taste there was, was in fact a strawberry flavor.

hortensio: What syntax there was, was in fact atrocious.

Licking her lips she said, “Interesting. It tastes like strawberries. Unusual for medicine around here to actually taste good, there’s bound to be something wrong.” Then Madam Pomfrey quickly ran back with a different cup.

“I’m so sorry Hailey, I got your medicine and a cup of strawberry juice mixed up.” she said as she grabbed the cup from Hailey and handed her the correct one.

axmxz: Pomfrey's incompetence, let me show you it.

hortensio: All right, that's enough now.

“I had a feeling you would be saying that.” Hailey again drank it like a shot of Whiskey and luckily was able to avoid most of the gross taste.

hortensio: Notice that the 'whisky' mentioned earlier now comes with 50% more W and a dash of E.

axmxz: Given Pomfrey's apparent inability to distinguish between sprained-ankle potions and strawberry juice, it is not out of the realm of possibility that what Sue drinks like a 'shot of Whiskey' is, in fact, the real McCoy.

hortensio: Which would actually go a long way to explain what happens next.

She still made a slight funny face and stuck her tongue out a bit. “Gross. Why is everything always so gross?”

axmxz: Aw, cheer up, emo kid.

Madam Pomfrey just gave her a cross look and hurried back off. “Harry, would you mind helping me break out of this hell hold?

axmxz: "Hell hold"?

hortensio: "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy."

axmxz: "Gladly, my cross-eyed bear!"

I’d just prefer to sleep in my own bed, considering that a sprained ankle isn’t a life or death situation.”

Harry looked back at where Madam Pomfrey disappeared and decided that Hailey was right and so he stood up and picked her up. Making his way around all the furniture he and Hailey left the hospital wing. “Which way is it to your apartment?”

axmxz: Color me suspicious, but I think the Sue has designs on Harry.

hortensio: Hmm. Didn't she just complain that "everything [is] always so gross?" Looks like Harry is exempted from this ubiquitous grossness.

axmxz: And yea, the emo kid prayed; and lo, Dumbledore has provided.

“Start heading towards Dumbledore’s office. There’s a Hippogriff statue a little ways before it that would be the entrance to my apartment.” Hailey responded.

The walk was a short one and they reached the Hippogriff statue in no time. Harry stepped onto the concrete of the statue, between the wings.

axmxz: How the hell does he know to do this?

hortensio: Perhaps this sort of thing is de rigeur for Hippogriff statues...

Hailey then spoke the password, Shadowfax, and the statue began twirling up, taking them up to the door. Hailey managed to open it and she and Harry went inside. Harry immediately noticed the décor in the room; it was very much like an indoor winter wonderland.

axmxz: Cold? Drafty? Slushy?

hortensio: Streaked with toboggan tracks and accented with elk urine?

“Where would you like me to set you?” Harry asked.

“The couch is fine.” Hailey replied. Harry went over to the couch and set her down. “Hey, would you like to stay and hang out Harry? We can watch a movie.”

A TV? At Hogwarts? Harry was surprised, “Sure I’ll stay and hang out.” Hailey smiled and grabbed a few remotes off of her coffee table.

hortensio: I thought electricity didn't work at Hogwarts?..

axmxz: "A few" remotes? Let's see, one for the TV proper; one for the DVD-player... that makes 'a couple' - what are the rest for?

“Now Harry, would you like to watch a horror, sci-fi, action, comedy, or chick flick?” Harry looked quite confused now. “Harry those are different genres of movies. I think we should do a mix of sci-fi and action, are you up for it?”

axmxz: Why does Muggle-raised Harry need a crash course in movie genres from the Dumbedore-raised spawn of Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Voldemort and Dumbledore?

hortensio: I'm still wondering what the other remotes were for.

“What kind of movie are we talking about here?” Harry asked.

hortensio: A mix of sci-fi and action, Harry. Pay attention. There will be a quiz before you'll be allowed to leave.

Hailey smiled, “Resident Evil. It’s about scientific experiments and there consequences. I warn you though, there is quite a bit of killing and death in this movie. The Heroine kills the zombies that result from the experiment. It’s not for the squeamish. Or we could a horror movie called Primeval about a 30 foot man eating croc. It’s your pick.”

hortensio: o_0

axmxz: ?

hortensio: I'm sorry, I just horribly and utterly misread those last two sentences. I'm not going to go into details, as there may be children present; suffice it to say that 'croc', 'pick,' and the missing hyphen in 'man-eating' were involved. Intimately so.

axmxz: *faints*

Harry wasn’t sure which movie would be better. “How about Resident Evil, that sounds quite interesting.”

Hailey smiled and pressed a few buttons. The TV turned on, a few other things turned on and this caused Harry to sit down quite quickly.

hortensio: Okay, so we find out what one of the other remotes was for - to turn on Harry.

axmxz: But there are still other things besides Harry, the TV, and the DVD player being turned on. This is perplexing.

hortensio: A turntable with Wagner? Strobe-lights? The oven?

axmxz: So that's why your dates never return...

The movie quickly came on and began the story of the T-Virus and all of its consequences.

axmxz: My movie Sue-nopsis, let me show you it.

hortensio: *punches axmxz*

Back in the hospital wing Madam Pomfrey came out of the back to find Hailey and Harry gone. She noticed Dumbledore come in and noticed the strange look on his face.

hortensio: When it comes to noticing things, Pomfrey just can't multitask.

“Where is my granddaughter Madam Pomfrey? She was supposed to be here with Mr. Potter.”

hortensio: You see, children, a comma is like a condom: neglect to use one, and you may spawn.

axmxz: I'm actually starting to think that Dumbledore is the only fertile wizard alive. He seems to have fathered everyone. Some people even more than once.

“Well she was here when I checked 15 minutes ago, but I come back out and they both are gone.” she responded.

Dumbledore had a feeling that Hailey persuaded Harry to take her back to her apartment. “It’s alright, I know where she went. I’ll just go check on her in the morning then.” Dumbledore quickly departed and headed over to his office.

hortensio: He'll be waiting by that door in the morning with a drafted marriage contract, two witnesses, and an inked quill.

axmxz: And a singing shotgun.

In the apartment, Harry and Hailey stayed up until the early morning hours. After the movie had ended they spent the rest of the time talking. They talked about the horrible things the Dursley’s had done to Harry in the past, about Hailey’s childhood at Hogwarts and just about school. They also talked about the daring adventures Harry had gone on in the past. By the time they fell asleep on the couch it was already four in the morning.

AN: I kind of just want to know what the readers are thinking in regards to this one, so let me know if it's going good or if you see no future in it.

axmxz: I don't think I could see future in this fic if it had been brewed in a pot with the best Ethiopian coffee grounds.

hortensio: Or the choiciest Darjeeling tea leaves.

axmxz: Despite that, we hope beyond hope that the Suethor continues the saga.

hortensio: I especially want to know if she ever gets around to turning off the Wagner, the strobe-lights, and the oven.

axmxz: *confiscates the professor's pipe and shoves it up an orifice that shall remain nameless - until the next installment.*

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