Che Gorilla (axmxz) wrote,
Che Gorilla

Another oldie but goodie. Find all the dated 2007 memes and win our condolences.

Story Or Series Title: Friend with Firestarter
Fandom: The Boy Who Lived For Carnage
Culprit Author's Name: sawiuk

Full Name (plus titles if any): Lee, Firestarter. (It’s the new Esq.)
Full Species(es): Firestarter and “purest pureblood.” (It’s also the new Rt. Hon.)
Hair Color (include adjectives): light brown
Eye Color (include adjectives): oscillating between ‘fire filled’ and ‘ordinary brown’.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Flames (v.) From Every Orifice.
Special Possessions (if any): Flames (n.) From Every Orifice.

Annoying Origin: The sad, lonely mind of an adolescent, possibly homosexual English pyro-boy who desperately wants a hug and a Zippo.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: ”bright strings of light meshed together inside both Lee’s and Harry’s souls.”
Annoying Special Abilities: Flames (v. and n.) From Every Orifice.
Other Annoying Traits: Soul-rapes Harry Potter in the park. (With a menorah.)

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

hortensio: Oy va voy.
axmxz: Yes. Also, WTF.
hortensio: And, may I add, BBQ.
axmxz: We’ll have to begin at the beginning.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters they all belong to Rowling the only character that belongs to me is ordinary boy.

axmxz: Coming to toy stores near you: Ordinary Boy™!
hortensio: “Flames From Every Orifice!”(R)

Chapter 1

Death is so sweet

hortensio: And a little tangy.
axmxz: We skip the first paragraph, because it’s very much like the second, and we have to leave something out.

“For we will execute judgment by fire and by our sword on all flesh, and those slain by us will be many” he repeated happily as he cut deep swirl impressions into the forty odd old man’s chest, who was striped from his top half and tided down into a old wooden table with, what looked to be cheese wire, what ever it was in was cutting deep into his skin, he tried to scream but was gagged, only weak muffled whimpered escaped his mouth.

hortensio: Mmm… hot sweet death with swirls…
axmxz: Like a Cinnabun!

He stopped to wondering if that maybe, he shouldn’t kill his uncle, he closed his eyes and listened hard for the answer
“Just do it,by your sword on all flesh and those slain will be many” his heart told him, and who can ever disagree with their heart.

axmxz: My heart always tells me to eat fewer CinnaBuns. I disagree.

He smiled, stop repeating his song, pick up his knife trailed a long straight over the man sternum, and smiled as he brought it down though him, nailing him deep to the table.

hortensio: The author insists he’s a “16 year old English boy.”  By way of refutation, we offer the sentence above.
axmxz: ‘Man sternum’?..
hortensio: Genitives and plurals in particular are not on speaking terms with the author.
axmxz: I want to know what that song is he’s repeating…
hortensio: Oh, you know. “For we will execute judgment by fire and by our sword on all flesh, and those slain by us will be many”... dum dee dee… Rather sticks, doesn’t it?
axmxz: Like a CinnaBun!

“Death” he giggled, his voice high pitched and young, spoken unshaken with no guilt, “is so sweet when it’s brought to the people that deserve it”

axmxz: “His voice high pitched and young, spoken unshaken with no guilt”...?
hortensio: Oh, God, I need a drink.
axmxz: Here, have a martini.  Unshaken. With no guilt.

he then looked over to the corpse of his aunt and then looked to his cousin’s, he then looked up from there bodies, to the ordinary boy, so ordinary that he seem to almost disappear into the background, to all but Harry potter, who was now watching him with a smile of mischief.

hortensio: I am reminded of the first trial of Oscar Wilde, when, besieged by the terrier-like persistence of Queensberry’s defense, the genius famously declared: “I have no knowledge of the ordinary individual.” 
axmxz: I am reminded of a CinnaBun.
hortensio: Don’t make me hit you so early in the show.

The ordinary boy let out a giggle as he opened his hand, and fire burst forth he lowered his hand letting the fire drop from his hand, and onto the dead and cut up bodies of Petunia and Dudley as well as the boys own abusive family.

axmxz: Did he just wank fire?

The boys eyes were on fire burning red, as they always were when he used his ability
“who thought we’d really be doing this, after only meeting this morning Harry, there must be something pulling the strings for us to meet and to get along so well”

axmxz: Wait, they only met this morning?
hortensio: Must’ve been a match made in Heaven.

Harry’s smile widened as he spoke excitedly “when we’re together Lee I feel so different, like there’s a spark inside me, and when I’m around you it becomes an inferno taking control or something, and I feel like I’m unstoppable”

hortensio: Well, maybe not a match per se… more of a spark lighter.

“I feel the same Harry, I would never have been able, to even think of doing something like this, but when I’m around you my blood burns you free me Harry you fuel the fire inside” said Lee taking Harry’s hand.

hortensio: Surprise buttseks SAT question:

My blood burns.  You free me, Harry.
My blood burns you.  Free me, Harry!
My blood burns you free.  Me Harry, you fuel. The fire? Inside.

As he did, bright strings of light meshed together inside both Lee’s and Harry’s souls, just as they had done this morning, when they had met in the park and shook hand in greeting, and just like this morning they both felt the darkness inside them move, bring them closer together.

axmxz: OMG, their love is so fiber-optic.

The fire turned hotter and blue around them, burning everything to dust, Lee then told Harry still holding his hand “come on we better go before we burn too” he joked, pulling Harry out of the house of Number Four Privet Drive, as it burned to the ground, freeing both boys of both and all their demons, letting them start a new life, one built up on foundations of blood and fire.

hortensio: So, the demons are now gone, but their new love will be built on the foundation of blood and fire?
axmxz: I guess the demons left because they were outclassed by the hosts.

They walk down Privet Drive, hand in hand, both eyes alight with fire, as they killed and destroyed every person in the street they walked down, and they did this until the reached the last house on Privet Drive, Number 35, and with a flick of Lee’s wrist, that house burned as well.

hortensio: Ladies and gentlemen - a musical interlude.
axmxz: *sings*

“Flick of the wrist, and you're dead, baby
Blow him a kiss, and you're mad…”

Harry turned to Lee the smile never leaving his lips “they all could of saved themselves if only they had tried to save us”

hortensio: Ah, see. It makes perfect sense. When good men do nothing, evil triumphs.
axmxz: And then the victim kills the evil, burns down its house, and slaughters all the good men and burns down *their* houses.


Rude awakenings, Letters and delicacies for breakfast

Chapter 2

Two years, and forty three murders later

hortensio: Well, haven’t you been busy little bees.

“Harry get up all ready” Lee yelled as he stormed into the room where Harry currently slept, deeply under an overly large amount of blankets and pillows

hortensio: And adverbs.
axmxz: Don’t most people get ready after getting up, not before?
hortensio: It’s magic, bitch.
axmxz: *wilts*

 “Five more minuets” came a grumble from under the blankets, Lee smiled darkly to himself.

hortensio: Ladies and gentlemen – a musical interlude.

*hortensio and axmxz slow-dance a minuet. It’s awkward.*

hortensio [conversationally]: You know, in Russian ‘minet’ means a blowjob.

“Five Four” Lee said, his eye starting to burn, and the heating in the room increased.

axmxz: This kid should rent himself out in Finland. “Ordinary Boy™! Flames From Every Orifice!(R) Heats your sauna, then heats you!”

A more annoyed grumble came from the boy under the covers as he realised what his friend was about to do “don’t you dare”
“Three two” continued Lee, his light brown hair now lifting from his head as fire filled his eyes “one” the covers that Harry was sleeping under burst into flame, causing the boy underneath to scurry out on his hands and knees.

axmxz: *sings*

“Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire, yeah..!”

Lee closed his eyes, abruptly stopping the fire completely, he then looked down, with his now ordinary brown eyes, to the black haired boy at his feet.
“That was unnecessary Lee, I was really gonna come out in five minuets” (more minuets!) Harry said putting a pup dog pout on (LOLpup), Lee smiled, then frowned and became serous as he pulled out, a slightly singed, letter out of the conjoined pocket of his hooey.

hortensio [conversationally]: You know, in Russian “hooey” means “dick.”
axmxz: Now you’re just hooeying with me.

“Someone wrote you a letter Harry I haven’t opened it, here” Lee handed the letter over to his friend, as if he was afraid it was bomb, once the letter was in Harry’s passion he smiled “we’re having a delicacy for breakfast, your gonna love it” Lee didn’t say anymore and left Harry with the singed letter.

axmxz: “…Once the letter was in Harry’s passion he smiled “we’re having a delicacy for breakfast?”
hortensio: Another drink is in order. What goes well with a delicacy? maybe a Riesling?

Harry flipped the letter around in his hands, thinking of all the reasons why he be holding (beauty is in the eye of the be-holder?), Harry and Lee had always been careful and used protection, they never helping verb given their real names to anybody so how was it that this letter had his letter (??) had his full name written on it and his precise location, when even he didn’t know exactly where he was (so how did he know that the location in the letter was precise?), was someone tracking him, did they know about all the murders that they committed question mark, exclamation point, exclamation point, existential panic disguised with ellipses.

axmxz: We skip over the letter itself. For those of you who want to read it, refer to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Note the mention of the owl.

 “owl?” Harry whispered then jumped to his feet and made a run to the kitchen “Lee please tell me that the delicacy for breakfast isn’t an-” he open the kitchen door and there on the table where the burnt black skeletons of the owners of the house that Harry and Lee had kill a week ago when they decided to move in, and there in the middle of the two opposite skeletons was what Harry had feared “owl”

hortensio: This is a sentence to make serial killers and synagogue cantors alike blush with shame and inadequacy.
axmxz: On a positive note, turns out the Riesling was a good choice! The right balance of sugar and citricity to pair the gaminess of the bird.

More to come.

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